It’s coming up on ten years since my father died at age 93. The years have mellowed my memories somewhat but still and overall he and I never shared the best of relationships. He always had these crazy expectations for me to follow in his footsteps and accomplish even greater and more significant things but he also always had low expectations at the same time. It put me in the most peculiar “no win” situation my whole life. I agonized over it for years and I’m convinced that he never gave the issue a serious thought.
Just before he passed away I visited him around Christmas. He was in good spirits and apparent health and we parted on very benevolent terms and he expressed a gratitude that I’d rarely seen before. A few weeks later he became ill and quickly passed away and, while I was there at his death, we never spoke again.
I’ve always been surprised at that moment of insight on his part and how profoundly that small communication touched me and my wife and one of my sons, who were also there. That insight has prompted me to consider fully the value of gratitude and expressing that gratitude towards one’s family. Too many people tell me that their relationships with their parents were awful and how it was never resolved or healed. And in too many of those situations the resistance to change lies with the parent not the child.
So how does an elderly parent become aware enough to look inside and figure out how to mend fences with their adult offspring? I found two resources on the web that offer insight if not answers.
The first is Next Avenue which is a product of PBS and offers daily compilations’ of lifestyle stories for adults. One article was specific to today’s issue: How to Heal a Rift With Your Adult Child by Erica Manfred (Link is below).
Another source of advice from seniors (not just about them) is the Legacy Project developed by Karl Pillemer at Cornell University. His site says, “The Legacy Project has systematically collected practical advice from over 1500 older Americans who have lived through extraordinary experiences and historical events. They offer tips on surviving and thriving despite the challenges we all encounter.”
Being proactive is one key. I can see how in myself (to some extent, perhaps in theory) I am aware of the need to do this now and I have not built vast relationship barriers with my two middle-aged sons, so I expect I’ll maintain good relationships with them for the duration. My Dad never quite got it until that moment at like 11:57 p.m. on his life clock.
However, I feel he did get it at the end and salvation is only needed once.
Resources:
Manfred, E. How to Heal a Rift With Your Adult Child, January 16, 2013, http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-07/how-heal-rift-your-adult-child.
Legacy Project, advice from elders: http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/2012/02/avoiding-and-healing-estrangement-from-a-child
Image: This photo appears in several places on the web but I could not find its source.
Join us for a real-time discussion about questions raised by this essay on Wednesday from 12:00 p.m. to 12:45 p.m. See Discussion and SL tabs above for details. Link to the virtual meeting room: http://tinyurl.com/cjfx9ag.
Rodger Marion 
March 27, 2013 at 12:48 pm
Transcript 3-27-13
Just Tony (Drdtrain) and I today. We mostly talked about other topics but we did spend a little time on the blog topic.
[10:20] Drdtrain: BTW I can really relate to your blog about the relationship with your father.
[10:21] Rodger Markova: Yes. That’s an area where I have so tried not to create the same conditions with my sons
[10:22] Drdtrain: I think most dads have expectations of their son(s). Mine did as well and I didn’t know until he was sick with cancer. I thought I was too ‘soft’ like my mom and that I didn’t put the fear of God in people. He was a very rough, hard man – World War II and hard life in Sicily.
[10:23] Rodger Markova: yes, I’ll bet
[10:25] Drdtrain: He thought I was ‘too soft’ I tried to explain how it was more important to to respect through kindness instead of through fear. He couldn’t grasp that concept at all.
[10:25] Drdtrain: But I think we bridged the gap a little before he died. At least helped me make some kind of peace with him – in my mind.
[10:26] Rodger Markova: Oh, interesting. My Dad was just always had low expectations for me but he was a kindly person
[10:26] Rodger Markova: He really never grasped how he kept barriers up between us that we never bridged.
[10:27] Rodger Markova: … and I don’t think children can bridge the gaps because we are creations, to some extent, of our parents and only they can really know what happened.
[10:29] Drdtrain: Makes you wonder how much of the barriers were from the times and generation. May be a bit more acceptable these days for dad’s to express openly their love or disappointment but in 2-way conversation that works.
[10:29] Rodger Markova: Yes, cultures and such play a big role
[10:30] Drdtrain: Hey Rodger. I need to get some lunch before my 1pm meeting.
[10:30] Rodger Markova: kk
[10:31] Drdtrain: Take care.
[10:32] Rodger Markova: ok